In order for a family to develop in harmony, each family member needs to have some healthy boundaries. Boundaries help build mutual respect and consideration for each member.
A boundary is just one of several tools that we can use to let other's know what we want, what we expect of others and what we will not accept from others. Setting boundaries for us and for our children is a healthy thing to do for our family dynamics.
If we set realistic boundaries and enforce them in a positive way, it helps the family as a unit to achieve harmony and peace without parents having to resort to screaming, yelling, or nagging their children. Children thrive on having boundaries set for them. As a rule, young children tend to be self-centered. They want their needs met without regard as to how that might affect those around them. It is our responsibility as the adults in their lives to guide them as to how they should treat others. The best rule of thumb is to encourage them to treat others as they would want to be treated. We need to teach them what it means to respect others and how to respect other's boundaries. The best way to do this is by our example. Each time our children see us interact with a spouse, a friend, a clerk in a store, a waiter or waitress, or another family member, it gives us a valuable opportunity to show our children how we treat others with respect, and how we want them to do it also.
Showing respect works both ways. We cannot expect our children to respect others or us if they do not see us treating others in a respectful way. We don't want to give the message to our children that we want them to do as we say, not as we do, but rather by our constant healthy examples. We need to respect our children's belongings, their privacy, their choice of clothes (as long as it is reasonable), and their rooms. If we expect our children to knock before entering our bedroom, then we should also respect their privacy and knock before we enter their room. It is also very important to show them respect as we enforce the consequences we've established if they break a boundary that we have given them.
Having healthy boundaries will create fewer power struggles with our children. We can reduce the frequency of such behaviors as temper tantrums, defiance, whining, bartering, and lying.
Boundaries should be set with a sense of love, trust, respect and acceptance. And it is very important that the consequences for breaking a boundary are not punishment. We do not want our children to have fear about how we are going to react. We need to have carefully stated and explained ahead of time what boundary we are setting and ask if the child has questions about it. Then, when the child achieves success we need to let them reap the positive consequence of their good behavior. If they did indeed break a boundary, then we need to withhold the positive consequence. We need to do this without scolding, punishing the child, or yelling at them. We simply state that they do not get the desired outcome because they did not stay within the boundary that was given to them. This strategy also reminds the child that it will be necessary for them to change his/her behavior in order to get the outcome they want.
An example of a boundary with a positive consequence would be: Explain to the child that if their room is picked up by lunch time, then they will get to go to the park after lunch. If the child succeeds in accomplishing their task, then reward him/her and take the child to the park. If he/she did not get their room picked up, then it is necessary to explain in a calm manner, without scolding the child, that he/she will not be able to go to the park because he/she did not get the task done before lunch. Remember to be respectful to your child while doing this. The whole goal here is to let the child see that it is his/her behavior that affects the outcome and/or reward. If they did not get the reward they wanted, then they need to see that they have to change their behavior to get a different outcome.
Do not fall into the trap of bartering with them. Many children will try to sneak around the boundary and begin to manipulate the circumstances or the adult, so that they will still be able to reap the positive reward (going to the park.) Parents will hear statements like: 1) What if I promise to clean my room when we get back from the park? or 2) If I clean my room right now, then can I go to the park? The adult must be consistent and not alter the boundary that was set, but instead remind the child that it was their behavior that decided the outcome, and that if they want a different outcome, they need to change their behavior.
Remember to be clear and specific about setting your boundary and explain the consequences before there is a conflict. Always state your boundary in a positive manner and not as a threat. Take extra care to set realistic boundaries for any child, according to their ability. It is also crucial that we follow through. If we do not deliver the positive consequence when it is earned, or if we give them the reward when they haven't earned it, we will be teaching our child that it is okay to disrespect the family boundary and that we do not really mean what we say. If a child senses that we are weakening, or too busy to follow thorough, it will confuse them and it will teach them that we can be distracted, worn down, or bartered with until we give in. Being consistent will work miracles in establishing healthy boundaries within the family structure.
Setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them will take a lot of patience, consistency, and love. But each member of your family will be happier and feel more secure knowing what is expected of them.
